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Monday, October 12, 2015

October 12th.

I had debated sharing about this day, but sometimes it's nice to get it all out there, and just know that you're not alone. 

October 12th was the day that I decided a decade ago, that I would get married on. If you have experienced a Michigan mid October day, you would know, there is nothing better. So when the date year after year, was amazingly colorful, warm but crisp, and bright with possibility, I looked at a calendar, and saw it landed on a Saturday in my mid twenties. It was the perfect plan. 

Except the most important part of that plan hadn't shown up yet. I grew anxious in waiting, while excited to see how it would all play out. After all, I was following Jesus, and He could give me this desire of my heart. This wasn't too big for Him. My parents met and were married within 3 months. They've been married for over 30 years, so I wasn't too worried about time, it was possible. 

But then it didn't happen. Time passed. And I was still alone. 

I allowed a seed of bitterness to begin to have hold of my heart. 

And then, a close family friend, that I had grown up with, passed away from a car accident on October 12th, three years ago. Our sweet Ariel Rose. She was just 21. 

I know she's in Heaven. She's been in the presence of Jesus for the last thousand days. Oh and for that, I'm slightly jealous. She is with Jesus. 

But my heart could not handle all of this. I grew angry with God. Why did He take Ar? And why on my favorite day of the year? Honestly it was hard to trust in a God that didn't seem to have my best interest at heart. 

Grief is a really messy thing. Those were really hard days, and even harder nights. 

But time began to pass, and Jesus, the lover of my soul, began to draw me close, once again. 

The last handful of years, I have a relationship with Jesus that I didn't even know was possible. It has been full of really hard days, but I think that is why my faith has grown so deep. 

I can stand without a husband by my side, strong and ready for whatever is next. I am no longer bound by my singleness. 

I can live life well, knowing I don't understand so much, but I know the One that knows it all. I am no longer bound by my grief. 

This week I am waiting to hear if I will be given an interview for a job I want very much. I am begging God for favor, but I am trying to remind myself that He is in control, and has a plan, no matter the outcome. 

At the end of this week, I am running (and walking) a half marathon. For whatever reason, my body is freaking out. (Is this normal?) I have an upset stomach, and cannot seem to sleep well. I am terrified I won't finish. 13.1 miles is no easy task. So I am trying to remind myself of my training, and that I can do hard things, because Jesus goes before me. 

I'm not trying to wrap everything up in a nice little bow. Because that would be so fake. But I am in a better place than I expected to be. The nightmares still come, the house is still a mess, but after walking this season of so many unknowns, my faith is stronger, and I don't feel so wobbly. 

So today. I purposely didn't put anything on the books. I knew that I needed time and space to feel all the feels, and work out whatever I needed to. 

I'm planning on finishing up organizing my closet. I need to get a few mile run in. I might eat some cold leftover pizza. I'll probably cry a lot. (I already have, why stop now...) I intend on sitting and reading God's Word. 

I don't want today to be my dark day any longer. I don't know how to get there, but I think I'm making progress in the right direction. 

I'm thankful for a Savior that is writing my story. Because if I was in charge of writing it, it would be beautiful and easy. But I am learning that the hard and ugly days produce something the others cannot. 

I'm thankful for the woman I have become because of trials. She is strong, she is resilient, she has empathy for others, she can do hard things, and she knows Who fights for her. 


1 comment:

  1. thank you for sharing your heart - and being open to God's refining hand in your life!!
    ps - YES your body acting this way is totally normal. you'll be fine come the start line.