Super Strength

Do you ever have those moments of super strength? Not quite the pick up cars and save people strength. I'm talking about a moment when you are so strong it doesn't even make sense. A moment when emotionally you are somehow put together so beautifully that you can carry other's burdens, even if only for that moment.
I had a super strength night.
My best friend from high school's  family feels like my own. I call her grandparents, grandparents. Her parents are mom and dad to me. I am often referred to as the second daughter. We have been apart of each other's lives for over ten years.
Earlier this week my friend's uncle passed away. It was very unexpected. It has been a rough week for more people I love.
My first thought when I heard, was you have got to be kidding me Lord! I just did this. The whole funeral mess, and people I love being heartbroken. Seriously?!? We're doing this again??
So, I prayed for strength.
My friend's mom called me yesterday and asked me to make cookies for the family to snack on during the funeral home time. If you know me, you know there are very few things that make my heart as happy as baking for someone I love. So, I baked. I then drove over to her house to drop them off. It was already late, and I should've been in bed, but I knew I needed to be there. So mom and talked, and talked until one in the morning. It was good for both of us to chat. I told her stories of God's faithfulness that I hadn't really shared with anyone before. I shared in different areas how He is working. It was good.
I got four hours of sleep before the alarm went off for work. But even at work today, He gave me rest. It was so weird, but so wonderful. I wasn't too tired. I wasn't cranky. I wasn't overwhelmed. I was resting in Him.
I went up to the funeral home tonight. Dreading going, but knowing He had to be my strength.
He was.
I was able to hold, hug, and comfort the broken. Mama Michelle snapped into mode, and I made sure everyone was hydrated. I helped get paperwork done. I chatted with people I had never met. I shared about the hope we have in Jesus. I talked with the funeral director for a while. It was so bizarre. I had strength.
Someone had approached me because they had recognized me. I didn't know from where, they didn't look familiar. Then they realized, it was from Ariel's funeral. I even had strength to share stories about her. I didn't want to, but I did. And there was healing in that.
I don't feel overwhelmed. I feel His strength and His power.
The funeral is tomorrow. Please be praying for the family. Pray for peace, rest, and healing. Pray that the gospel is preached, and hearts are ready to hear it. Pray that people turn to Jesus. Pray for me to continue to be strength for these people I love.
Goodnight.
Love, M.

distant and honest

Wednesday nights I sit around a table with a few freshmen girls. I love our time together. It is one of the highlights of my week. We open the Word together, we have laughed, we have cried, and we tell stories.
Most of the girls in my group are church kids. They have grown up in church, and their beliefs are the same as their parents. They know the right answers, how to act, and what not to say. I have been trying to challenge them to be real, genuine, and honest.
This past Wednesday we were talking about Jesus is to us personally. On our papers there was a list of words to circle. Friend, Lord, Savior, Forgiver, Healer, Distant, Judge, Absent, Uncaring, Unreachable, Guider, Father, Protector, Not Real, Life. I asked the girls if anyone wanted to share what they circled. One girl told me they all had circled the good things, no one had circled the bad things like distant or absent. They all agreed. They gave me the "right" answer.
So, I showed them my paper. Along with circling friend, healer, life, etc, I circled distant. It was honest. In this season of life, Jesus feels distant.
They were shocked. One girls asked how someone so godly and spiritual as me could feel that way.
I think in the church world, we don't know how to be honest anymore. We don't want someone to know we are broken, we are hurting, we are angry with God, we struggle reading the Bible, or that He feels distant. Everything is fine, always. We put on the face of a perfect Christian, and we forget that there is no such thing. We are all people. We mess up, we get hurt, we are broken. The only thing that makes us a Christian is that we have Jesus. Being a Christian does not mean life is in order.
Being honest means having an incredible support system. I have been so blessed by people, prayers, and texts this past week. Being honest means having accountability. As much as I hate the vulnerability of everyone knowing I feel broken, I have loved people praying for me. I love people knowing that I do not have everything together. I'm just a real girl, with real problems, and a real Savior.
So, I press on. Life is messy, but God is in control. My heart is broken, but He is healer. My emotions are everywhere, but He is constant, always. Life is ugly, but He is good.
Jeremiah 29:13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
James 4:8a Come near to God and he will come near to you.
I know He may feel distant in this moment, but He's there.
Love, M

Surprise Surgery and His Sovereignty

Monday night I came home to find my roommate on the couch watching tv. She told me she didn't feel great, and was skipping our late night roomie chat and tv show. She said something just felt off in her body. She went to bed early, and I spent time in my room reading before bed.

Tuesday morning I was up at 5, like normal. My normal routine was in motion, until I noticed the kitchen light was on. My roommate stumbled out of her room looking rough. She told me she hadn't really slept through the night, and wasn't feeling well. She assumed it was a kidney infection. I reminded her to go to the doctor and keep me posted. I then left the house by 5:50am.

Around 8:30am she called me and told me she was really sick to her stomach and in pain. I got off the phone and got online, looking for clinics that were cheap, since she doesn't have insurance.

We then texted back and forth all day. She kept me updated with snippets of phrases in the midst of pain.

I didn't realize how badly she felt until later.

She took an ambulance to the hospital and spent the day in the emergency room.

They had found a large mass on her ovary during an ultra sound. They scheduled surgery for that night.

Uncertainty.

She asked me to call her mom and explain what was going on.

Her family and friends all live on the other side of the state, a few hours away. She doesn't really know anyone here, except for me. I am her person.

I arrived at the hospital a bit after 7:30 pm, thinking I would not be able to see her before surgery.

I was able to see her in the pre-op area for a while. I prayed with her. Peace flooded over both of us.

He is sovereign. He is faithful. He is good regardless of the outcome. He is in control. He is not surprised by this. He is loving. He is healer. He is provider. He is peace.

I was able to meet the whole surgical team, and ask questions. That in itself was a blessing. I am not family, and yet they shared exactly what was going on.

She went back to the or, and I went to the waiting area. I updated my Facebook, and began praying.

If you know me well, you would testify to the fact that I am not always calm. I am often an emotional wreck.

Every day since being back from Bolivia I have cried and cried, longing to be there. I have cried, being overwhelmed at the grocery store, missing my babies, seeing a sweet commercial....I am a mess.

But.

God held me together. I was a pillar of strength. It was not my own. I was calm. I did not shed one tear. I did not throw up. I did not sit in a corner and grow grey hair. He held me together.

I trusted God. I was filled with Him. The prayers of my dear friends and family overwhelmed me as I remembered and reflected on who He is, and how He is always faithful.

My roommate's mom had driven a few hours and arrived at the hospital while she was still in surgery.
We got coffee and went back to waiting. I began to share bits of pieces of my story in Bolivia. I shared His faithfulness. I reminded us of who He is. We were filled with peace that is not from this world. We huddled together on a chair and praised our Jesus and begged for healing.

While we were praying, the doctors came out to talk with us. They took us to a back room, and closed the door. We then listened to the surgeon explain that the mass was a very large cyst. It had grown and filled very fast and the weight and position of it has twisted her right falopian tube, and cut off the blood supply to her right ovary. They had drained the cyst, and are fairly confident it was benign.

She was going to be okay. She was waking up in recovery. We would be able to see her soon.

The surgery may make it more difficult to get pregnant one day. But I am reminded of a God that opened the womb of a woman in her 90's, caused a barren woman to have a son, and a virgin to carry a baby.

Our God is greater, and He is able.

I helped her and her mom get settled into her hospital room and ready for bed.

She came home yesterday, and has been camped out on the couch watching movies. Please be praying for her as she continues to recover.

We know God is sovereign. We know He is aware of timing. We praise Him for that. If this would've happened 3 weeks prior, I would've still been in Bolivia. She would've had no one with her. If it would've happened three weeks later, she would've been in Puerto Rico doing missions work. We are so blessed I was here, and she was able to go to a wonderful hospital.

She is going to Puerto Rico for four months this summer to work at a camp for kids and to share Jesus.

I am asking you to pray for God to be two things to her. Provider and Healer.

She doesn't have insurance. She is done with her job since she is on bed rest and leaving in a week. She will soon have many medical bills stacking up. She rode an ambulance, spent the day in the er, had emergency surgery, and stayed the night in the the hospital. None of which will be cheap. We are praying for God to move mountains and provide for her medical expenses.

We are also praying for God to do big things in support for her mission trip. She is not fully funded, and is set to leave May 1st. I keep reminding her that He is faithful. He called her, so He will provide. It was a roller coaster raising funds for Bolivia. But the most incredible faith building thing I have ever done. I love watching Him unravel His plan little bit by little bit as we trust Him.

Please pray for healing. She is beginning to move off the couch and get up by herself. She has a follow up appointment early next week. The doctors have said she is cleared to go to Puerto Rico, as long as everything looks good. She is tired and in need of rest. Her body is sore from surgery and medicines. Please join me in prayer for rest, healing, and energy.

She has much to do in the next few days. I know God will show Himself to be faithful. He always does.

I know this was a long blog. But I just had to share. He is good when life feels so uncertain. He is sovereign in the confusion. He is peace. He is in control.

I look forward to sharing more as it all unfolds. I know she will have great stories. I can't wait to hear them.
Love you all. M.

i don't understand.

Today was a hard day. By far the hardest I have had in Bolivia.

I received an email telling of a devastating family tragedy.

Please be praying for my family in this time.

As I have had some time to begin to process the best I possibly can, I have realized some things to be true.

-God is still God.
-My Jesus is real.
-When life or death doesn't make sense, He does.
-He conquered the grave.
-He is sovereign.
-"Daddy" has a plan.
-He is close to the brokenhearted.

It was emotionally draining seeing my street kids for the last time today. When I walked into the plaza, some girls shouted "Senorita Meechelle esta aqui!!!" They remembered my name, and were excited to see me. Thank you Jesus for little smiles in the midst of tragedy.

I am exhausted. I am spent. I am broken. I am nothing. I need Jesus to be all that He says He is. I need to rest in His arms tonight.

Please be praying for my family and our broken hearts. Please be praying for me as I only have 4.5 days left here. Be praying for strength to be His hands and feet. Be praying for my transition back home.

Love you, M