As a little girl, I often would daydream about my wedding.
I wanted to wear a yellow wedding dress, carry yellow flowers, and have my bridesmaids all wearing yellow. I was obsessed.
I wanted every girl in the bridal party to wear a different shade of yellow. Goldenrod, saffron, ochre, sunflower, sunburst, buttercream, lemon, straw, daffodil, etc. If you were to name it, I am sure I loved it. Looking back now, I'm sure my sisters and close friends are glad I have changed my mind on that. I can just imagine their eye rolls on the idea of looking like paint sample swatches in front of a church.
I really try hard not to mentally plan my own wedding. But some times, it can be difficult not to. I have been a bridesmaid in ten weddings, helped plan a dozen more, and attended countless others. It has become second nature to form opinions on ideas I like or dislike at weddings.
I want it to all be new and exciting when I plan it. I am waiting for a man, so I should probably wait on planning our wedding.
The one thing I have mentally thought out and planned was the date.
I know. This makes me sound like a crazy, deranged woman. I am well aware. Maybe I have lost my mind.
When I was a young, teenage girl, I fell in love with a day. It was the most perfect fall afternoon. The air was crisp, the sun was warm, the trees were bright and beautiful, showing off their colors. It felt like anything was possible. The day was full of possibility. I was convinced it was magical.
So I looked at a calendar years in advance and saw that it landed on a Saturday, the autumn I would be 25, weeks before my 26th birthday.
October 12, 2013.
I figured it had to be my wedding day. It was meant to be.
There was plenty of time to go to college, graduate, meet a man, date for a while, be engaged for a bit, plan our wedding and lives together, all before that magical date.
So for years, I would eat a cupcake on that day and think of how one day, I would be eating wedding cake with my husband.
Just to be clear, I never booked a church, bought a dress, or did anything to actually plan a wedding. This was all just plans I had made up, and kept floating around in my head. Only a very small handful of people knew how much I loved that day.
I just reminded God every year what was going to happen that day.
Last year on that date, a terrible tragedy occurred. Suddenly that date and all its specialness became an awful reminder of pain. I was furious at God for allowing a beautiful life to be taken from us so unexpectedly. And then I became bitter that He had allowed it to happen on my day.
Between time, God's faithfulness, and constant pursuit, my heart is beginning to heal.
But that date is quickly approaching. I never finished college. I still haven't found a man. And in all honesty, it would be a miracle from heaven if a man asked me out for coffee. I am certainly not getting married in less than two months. I am as single as one could be. This isn't what I had planned at all.
And I think for the first time in forever, I am okay with that.
For years, I planned my life down to the last detail. I said I trusted God and His timing, but the closer the fall of 2013 came, the less there was any proof of that. I wanted to be in control. Honestly, I thought I was.
I became angry and bitter at God when things didn't progress the way I thought they should for my idea of a perfect life.
But in all of my frustration and brokenness, He was teaching me.
One of my favorite verses has become "A man’s heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9
He has been teaching me so much about how He is in control, not me.
One of my favorite things my dad has said recently was, "Michelle, God has a plan, and you're in it. So stop worrying."
He has not forgotten about me. He isn't unaware of my desire to be somebody's Mrs. He knows my desire to be a mommy. He knows more than anyone how badly I want to be in South America, serving. He knows what is best for me, better than I could ever know myself.
The last few years have been amazing. I would not trade them for anything. They have been hard, but God has proved Himself faithful time after time. I have had adventures I never could have imagined or dreamed about. I have grown and been stretched in ways I would have avoided, if I knew what was in store. But I am so thankful for not always getting my way. His way is better. It is best.
I know life is full of disappointments, frustrations, and hurt. We make plans, dream dreams, and have high expectations. It is easy when things don't work out the way we planned, to think that He forgot us, He wasn't aware, or just didn't care. But that is not our God.
So remember, He is working it out for me, and for you. He is faithful, and He is good. He has not forgotten about us. His plans for us are better than even my crazy brain could conjure up. He has this. He knows our dreams and deepest desires. There is no reason to fret and fear. He has this all under control.
Have a wonderful weekend resting in that!
Have you ever planned on something happening, and then it didn't? What did you do? Do you wish you would've done things differently? What verses do you rely on to remind you that He is in control?