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Wednesday, June 8, 2016

8 months later, and finally breathing

I stumbled across these words today. I penned these words 8 months ago, the day after I ended up with a stress fraction in my foot, and could barely walk. The same season of when I went 55 weeks without a steady paycheck, hoping babysitting and dogsitting jobs would keep me afloat, maybe. The same month when I heard another "no" after sending countless emails and resumes, and going on dozens of interviews. The same time when my car died, and I had to rely on others to go anywhere and everywhere. The same month that I still was church less, community less, and ministry less. I was so lonely, begging God to send me a helper to love me well and carry some of this burden of life. 

I knew exactly what I wanted to do. "Love people, do good, share Jesus, and be a voice." with or without a paycheck. 

Fast forward 8 months, and now I have a church home, a car that runs, an incredible tribe, my dream job, and I'm marrying my Prince Charming in less than 3 months! 

Seriously. If you're in a season of darkness, a time of waiting, and you feel stuck in the wilderness, KEEP HOLDING ON!! 

Keep dreaming! Keep hoping! Keep getting out of bed in the morning! Keep being faithful in the little! Keep pressing through today! 

I promise, He is working in the unseen. He is for you. He is still good. He is still faithful. He is still sovereign. He is still provider. Even when none of that feels true. Even when none of it makes sense. 

I am so thankful for this part of my story, even when it was so dark and ugly. 

"October 2015-

I'm just struggling. This season is long, and it's lonely. I don't have a job, I don't have a church, I don't have a place to serve, I don't have a car, I don't have a man, I don't have real community, and I don't have purpose. 

Honestly. I'm struggling to believe He has my best interest at heart. Honestly. I don't want to dream or hope, I'm scared of everything falling apart again. Honestly. I don't know how much more my little heart can handle. Honestly. I want to wrap myself in a little cocoon, and distance myself from everyone. 

I'm hurt, and discouraged. For the girl that rarely gets upset, I'm angry with God. I know He is good, and faithful, and provider, but it just doesn't feel like that right now. And I know I can't trust my feelings, because they fluctuate, and He is constant, but it still feels overwhelming. 

This week I haven't even known how to pray. "Jesus, I know you work all things for good for those that love you, and I love you, but this really sucks right now, I'm falling apart, and feeling like a failure all over again, could you please just show up?!" 

So I cry myself to sleep, and beg God to move. 

Life is messy over here. It's raw, honest, ugly, and broken. 

I officially have no life plans. The future is wide open."