Lately I have been struggling with being here.
A year ago today, I landed in Cochabamba, Bolivia, and my life changed. I long to be back. This week, I have gone through photos and blog posts from when I was gone. My heart aches to be there. I cry, confused as to what I really want.
Here, I have a wonderful job I love, a family that I adore more than anything, the most darling apartment in a sweet little downtown, a Target store ten minutes away, more people, ministries, and things to keep me busy than my schedule allows, my kitchen aid mixer, my tier of best friends, the most comfortable bed, and sushi every Friday night. It is a lovely, comfortable life.
What more could I want?
But something inside me hates this.
It is begging for a life full of fighting injustice, holding sick babies, feeding the hungry, caring for orphans, building hope, loving the unlovable, kicking down doors and rescuing lost girls, pouring into the poor, sharing a real Jesus, dancing in the rain, and watching God move mountains.
So, I pray. I don't know what I really want. I am scared to give up what I have, to get what I want. I look at my life now, brimming with certainty, and I think of another life, lacking all things sure and steady.
I will trust that He has me here for a purpose now, and I will not wish away my days daydreaming.
I am grateful that God is the One who directs my steps, because right now, I don't know where I would chose to be.
I pray for opportunities to go, and if I am told to stay, to have a content heart, and to be used here.
I sign my lease to my apartment to commit to be here for another year. Just wondering what life will look like in May 2014.
I pray diligently for friends on the mission field to be used in mighty ways.
I remember His timing is perfect. He is the author of it, and He is well aware of all that is happening, and all that is to come.
I dream big dreams, believing I have a God who is bigger than anything I could imagine.
I pray for clarity and peace in being wherever, doing whatever.
I rest in the arms of Jesus, knowing He's got this girl. And He's working it all out for my good.
And I'm thankful for an incredible group of people who love me, encourage me, pray for me, and read my ramblings.
Just an update from a girl that just wants to honor Jesus, even when her life is confusing...