The following words have never seen the light of day, or ever been read by anyone.
They can be found in an old journal that sits in my nightstand drawer. It is full of prayers and ramblings from the deepest part of my heart.
This morning I stumbled upon it, and turned to the "pray for my husband" section I have written in over the last handful of years. And I sat and wept.
For years I have been praying for this sweet man. I am so thankful I wrote some of my rambling prayers down, because it just shows even more how God answered my them in this amazing and dear man, Steve.
Here's a peek into the depths of my heart.
Oh what a good Father.
Dear Lord. I am feeling impatient, and that You have forgotten my cry. Please send me my man. A man that loves You, and has a desire to honor You in all that he does. A man with integrity and convictions. A man who is willing to leave it all to follow You. A man who will lead, and I can submit under. Please send a man that just lives for You, and will encourage me to live for You, and love people. Please send me "my Adam" and seriously Lord, send him right to me. I want people to know that You sent him, it was nothing I did on my own. Help me to be patient while You hide him from me, help me to be obedient while I wait, and please remind me of Your faithfulness. Lord, I'm tired. Renew me as I wait. And please, send him soon. I can't wait to meet him.
Dear Lord, please strengthen and encourage my man. Remind him that You are faithful. Give him good friends that point him back to You and Your Word. Let hope bubble up in his soul. And Lord, let our time, our day, our moment, not be too far off. Send him quickly. I am longing to meet him. Continue to prepare my heart, and his too, for what You have in store for us. Keep him safe, renew his mind, strengthen his foundation on You. And keep his lips just for me, as I wait just for him.
Dear Jesus. Tonight I feel content where You have me. I know You are using me here and now. Please help me continue to develop characteristics to become more like You, and to be a good wife. Continue to mold my husband, even now, so he is more like You. Help him to be content in the here and now, while he waits for me. Use him in mighty ways to love people and make an impact for Your kingdom. And please. Keep that boy safe. I am tired. I want to sleep through the night without waking up with his safety on my heart, and in my prayers. Give us both peace and understanding as we wait on Your perfect timing. Amen.
Give me faith not to doubt Your plan. And help me to continue to trust in You. I know You have a man out there for me. I believe that. So please show up in a such a way that it's so clear.
I just don't want to be waiting without purpose, Lord. I don't want to feel feelings, or think thoughts, or pray prayers for a man that isn't mine. I don't want to create any bonds to anyone who isn't my husband. So please make it very clear.
Thanks for being sovereign through it all. Thank you, Daddy, for having my best interests at heart.
This man is everything I have prayed for, and not one thing I ever expected. I am so thankful for him. And so grateful I have a God that cares enough about me to write an incredible love story with such complex, intricate details, that bring Him honor and fame, while I find the love of my life. Ah. It's just all so good.
I can't believe this gets to be MY life.