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Sunday, January 17, 2016


I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. 

I'm so tired. My body has been a jerk to me all week. I have a cold. I feel exhausted after 13 scheduled babysitting jobs. I feel so lonely after being so busy, and not really talking with friends all week. I feel like I'm stuck. Honestly, I feel like God isn't going to show up, and I'll be here forever. I feel like the calling on my life maybe isn't everything I thought it was. I feel scared that I've had such big faith for so long, that I've actually tuned into a stupid fool. I feel like a failure when I compare myself to friends and family. I feel like the things I believed God told me were maybe all in my own head. I feel doubtful that these dreams, experiences, passions, and giftings will ever come together for something. 

I feel a lot right now. 

I am so beyond thankful that feelings don't really matter. And I'm so grateful to friends who have reminded me of that this week. 

I am begging God to move on something particular. So I asselmbed a prayer team to help carry me as I seek God's face. I wanted people to be accountable with, and that would pray consistently. 

A dozen girls in a handful of states later, I had my squad. They have been incredible at helping me fight this week. 

My girl, S, has called me almost every night to pray with me over the phone, before bed. I'm not talking about that "whatever is your will" prayer, I'm talking about the "my faith is so small, but I believe you said I can still move mountains, so I'm praying boldly and with gusto" kinda prayers. I am so thankful for her believing with me. 

My friend C has called and texted every day to check in. She has listened to me cry that I can't do this anymore, and how I feel so stuck. She has offered wise, biblical advice every time. So thankful for her wisdom. 

My friend J is a powerhouse. She listens with the best of 'em. She takes my call no matter the time, and has gotten quite excellent at figuring out what I'm saying through the tears and sobs. She's amazing. 

My out of state girl C has been such a blessing. She has been there to help me wisely sort through my pro/con lists, give godly advice, and she sends the BEST mail. Her doodles have been perfectly on time this week, and I'm so thankful for he truth she speaks so freely. 

My girl T has been helpful with pointing me back to scriptures, and reminding me of where I've come from. He's been so faithful. He's been so good. He's not going to stop now. This morning she sent me the link to a blog I wrote 4 years ago, as I was getting ready for Bolivia. It's so applicable today. I'm so thankful for this reminder. 

Here's part of it: 

Good thing my feelings don't matter. God is constant, even when I'm not. Even when I don't feel Him, He is there, working things out. When I don't feel like He is faithful, He still is, regardless of what my head says.

Following my feelings is a troublesome path. I know this. Getting in His word, being in active prayer, and getting enough sleep will help fight this doubt and mediocrity.

I know He is faithful. I know if He called me, He will make a way. I know He restores a weary soul. I know He is preparing me. I know He is with me, and in Him all things are possible. I know that I am His. I know His ways are perfect. 

A sweet friend suggested I read Hebrews 11 tonight. I did, and I was encouraged.

vs 1 - Now faith is being sure if what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

vs 6 - And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

vs 25- He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the pleasures if sin for a short time.

vs 40- His had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.

Feelings vs. Faith. 
Feelings say whatever you feel is true and right in that moment. Faith says the constants are still and always true, even without feeling it.

I am glad I have a God I don't need to feel for Him to be working, or be close. He is faithful, even when I'm not.

Life is uncertain, but my God is not.

I just remember so clearly how He made a way for me to go to Bolivia, by myself, for a few months. I also remember everything that happened there. That's where I first developed a heart and a passion for the homeless, and the woman that was broken. 

I can't wait to see what He's going to do next. 

Love, M

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