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Saturday, June 15, 2013

Confession: I am a mess.

Let's be honest.

I don't really enjoy the thought of airing my dirty laundry, for potentially thousands of people I may not even know, to read on here. I also do not think said people excitedly wake up, sit down with their coffee, open my blog and want to hear that I am a mess. So, I continue to write about God's faithfulness, His provision, and attempting to be content. These are all good things.


I wonder if I am not giving the whole story. I wonder if only sharing the good days has made me look better than I really am. I wonder if Jesus isn't getting all of the glory because people aren't seeing the dark days.

I had a few friends recently tell me they wish they could love people like I do, or follow Jesus so diligently as me, or even just have it all together like Michelle.

I laughed. Out loud.

I am a mess. A hot mess.

There is no goodness inside of me apart from Jesus.

My nature is not to love people, and say kind words of encouragement. My nature is to judge people, think nasty, horrific thoughts toward them, and then justify it.

My nature is not to love Jesus. I fight daily to read my Bible, spend time in prayer, and sometimes just not forget about Him. I often fight with Him, disagree with what He is doing, and sometimes just ignore His voice because I don't want to change what I am doing.

I am selfish to the core. I am a gossip. I can hold a grudge. I watch tv shows I shouldn't. I fake it too often with a smile. My house is almost never really clean. I can be a beast to live with. Love does not come easily to me. I am just a mess of a girl. I am no where near perfect.


Jesus is transforming me. He alone can change my evil heart, and teach it to love. He convicts my soul, and it is His kindness that brings me to repentance. He is renewing my mind, and changing my thoughts. It is His love that can cause real joy to flow from my heart.

So please do not think of me as the girl who has it all together. I am not.

I just have a real Jesus.

I am not perfect, but He is. I am inconsistent, He is always constant. I am a sinner, in need of a Savior, and He is that Savior. I am always in need, He is always faithful and provider. I have dreams of big things, and He is the one who put them in my heart, and is working out the details.

I will try to be more transparent, even when it is difficult. I will share the struggles, along with the victories. I just want to point to Jesus, even on the bad days.

Have a good weekend.

Love, M

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