Right now.

Lately I have been struggling with being here.
A year ago today, I landed in Cochabamba, Bolivia, and my life changed. I long to be back. This week, I have gone through photos and blog posts from when I was gone. My heart aches to be there. I cry, confused as to what I really want.
Here, I have a wonderful job I love, a family that I adore more than anything, the most darling apartment in a sweet little downtown, a Target store ten minutes away, more people, ministries, and things to keep me busy than my schedule allows, my kitchen aid mixer, my tier of best friends, the most comfortable bed, and sushi every Friday night. It is a lovely, comfortable life.
What more could I want?
But something inside me hates this.
It is begging for a life full of fighting injustice, holding sick babies, feeding the hungry, caring for orphans, building hope, loving the unlovable, kicking down doors and rescuing lost girls, pouring into the poor, sharing a real Jesus, dancing in the rain, and watching God move mountains.
So, I pray. I don't know what I really want. I am scared to give up what I have, to get what I want. I look at my life now, brimming with certainty, and I think of another life, lacking all things sure and steady.
I will trust that He has me here for a purpose now, and I will not wish away my days daydreaming.
I am grateful that God is the One who directs my steps, because right now, I don't know where I would chose to be.
I pray for opportunities to go, and if I am told to stay, to have a content heart, and to be used here.
I sign my lease to my apartment to commit to be here for another year. Just wondering what life will look like in May 2014.
I pray diligently for friends on the mission field to be used in mighty ways.
I remember His timing is perfect. He is the author of it, and He is well aware of all that is happening, and all that is to come.
I dream big dreams, believing I have a God who is bigger than anything I could imagine.
I pray for clarity and peace in being wherever, doing whatever.
I rest in the arms of Jesus, knowing He's got this girl. And He's working it all out for my good.
And I'm thankful for an incredible group of people who love me, encourage me, pray for me, and read my ramblings.
Just an update from a girl that just wants to honor Jesus, even when her life is confusing...
Love, M

Wait, what's going on?

The other night I drove down the road to meet a friend and her parents at a restaurant. I had already eaten dinner at home, I was just going for the company, and to celebrate my friend's birthday. We've been friends since the beginning of high school, and I love her family.
We had a sweet time of conversation, and laughs, and then it was time to leave. My friend's parents started to get up, and put their jackets on. They were going to stop at the grocery store before heading home. I asked my friend if she drove separate, she responded no, with a confused look. I asked her then what are we going to do. How were we going to hang out, or get home? She laughed and reminded me, that we could take my car.
Somewhere in those few moments, I forgot I was a grown up. I wasn't a high school freshman anymore. I had a car. I had freedom. I had a home outside of my parents. I had a full time job. I was 25.
It was the strangest feeling to completely forget the reality of the now, and dwell in the dreams of the past, even if only for a minute.
We laughed about it, and left the restaurant.
I was baffled at myself for forgetting.
But how often do I forget that Jesus saved me and changed everything? How often do I live in the past, full of sin, mistakes, and regrets? My mind becomes tricked into thinking that is my reality. Sometimes I forget and live like the selfish, lost little girl from before. But that's not true. Jesus changed everything! I do not need to live in the past. He took care of that. I can focus, live in, and enjoy the now. I have freedom, I have a future, I have purpose.
It is a good idea to stop and remember that we don't have to live in the past. That's done. We have freedom to dream, adventure, and live life to the fullest, all because of Jesus.
Happy Friday!
Love, M :)

Looking back...

This weekend, four years ago, I was dumped in the parking lot of the Home Depot in Fenton, MI.

Kind of weird memory, I know.

Tonight I drove by that parking lot,and I thought of the past four years.

I was suddenly very reflective. I rejoiced in my singleness, and all the things I have done, the places I have visited, and the people I have loved. I rejoiced knowing that His plan is better than any plan I could create myself.

I laughed at how much I had grown in the last four years. All of the adventures and misadeventures that had created the woman I am today. The pain, the heartache, the laughter, the embarrassment, the poor choices, the joy, the decisions, the loss, the moving, the new jobs, the old friends, the tears, the pots of coffee, the late nights, the love, the discovering, the faith, the haircuts, the new hobbies, the good choices, the many conversations, the serving, the miles, the stress, and the dreams.

They have all led me here.

Here.

Days before my 25th birthday.

What is next? What adventures will be in the next year? Will I be able to look back, and rejoice? Will I be proud of the woman I became? Will I look back and see even in the rough patches that Jesus shone through? I hope so!

So, here's to 25, and the next year of hopefully REALLY BIG things!

Praying for some huge things! :) Pray with me?

Have a great Monday!

Love, M