Sometimes I forget the important things

Sometimes I forget. I forget important things. Things I should remember always. I still forget.

But then sometimes I remember them.

Yesterday while driving back and forth from the two apts while moving, I remembered something.

In the Old Testament in order for people to communicate with God, they had to go to a priest, on a certain day, offer a perfect sacrifice, and they could be with God.

Well, I don't live there. I live here and now.

All I have to do is say his name. He is always with me.

While driving a car stuffed with boxes, ready to cry from being overwhelmed, all I did was whisper "Jesus". That's it. And He was there.

Only because of Jesus dying on the cross, and being the ultimate sacrifice is this possible. God sees me as perfect. I don't have to jump through hoops. I don't have to wait for a certain day. I don't have to go to a priest to talk for me. I just whisper His name. And He hears me.

It is such a simple concept. If you know Jesus, you know this is one of the foundational things to know. But I forget. Life gets busy. I fall into prayer without thinking. I forget.

So this weekend I have been rejoicing anew for His sacrifice. I can talk to God anytime, anywhere, despite how I feel, what I did, or what is happening. No middle man. No hoops. Just a real conversation with the Creator of the universe. He sees me as perfect because of Jesus. He longs for me to talk to Him. He desires for us to have a beautiful friendship.

Mind boggling.

Just really focusing on that. And in awe of it.

Have a delightful Sunday.

Love, M

Update.

So, baby Nestor did not have his surgery (to fix the hole in his heart) yet this week. (Read previous blog)

He is currently in the hospital for observation and is having a lot of testing done. I don't know many details, but it sounds like surgery is intended for Monday.

Please keep this baby boy in your prayers.

Also please be praying for my friend Kathryn as she is still recovering from her own surgery. Pray that God gives her the words to love and witness to this family in a hard time. Pray for strength, especially emotional strength. I know she is feeling exhausted and drained. Pray for doors to be opened and hearts to be softened to hear about the real Jesus.

Kathryn shared this with me earlier this week. "It is long and draining.  monday, i spent most of the day over there and it was just heartbreaking.  he needed an ekg done and it took four of us to complete it.  (i was in charge of the computer).  it was just so sad to see his little body laying there and to see his little bones and hips. His hips could not have been more than 6 inches in diameter and his bones the size of a quarter.  i do not know if i will ever get the picture of him laying there out of my head."

I am once again having a hard time not being in Bolivia. Prayers are welcome for me to have peace and contentment while in the states.

More news...I am moving!! Not to South America...yet, lol. But I am moving about 30 minutes north. It has been an incredible journey. Things I prayed for to the tiniest detail are happening. I am moving to an apartment right in an adorable downtown with a friend who shares my heart for missions. I am excited.

I have really struggled with signing a lease and making a commitment to being here, but slowly and surely I am being reminded God has me here for a purpose and He is using me here.

I am moving this weekend, and still need to pack and find people to help me move. Bah. So prayers for peace and a very productive weekend are appreciated.

I sometimes feel like this blog is me sharing bits of my heart and asking for prayer. And sometimes I feel "bad" about asking for prayer. But, there is power in prayer. I will not be ashamed. I need prayer.

 I need Him.

James 5:16 The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

So please join with me and pray for baby Nestor.

My God is good. He is sovereign. He is healer.

Love, M

He is 17 months old and 11 pounds. His heart problems have kept him from growing and developing properly.

It's time to tell

There is a story I have been wanting to tell for weeks.

This story and the people in it are so very dear to me.

I have attempted to write it many times, but felt the strongest feeling that it wasn't time.

I believe now is the time to share.

I have tried to be open and vunerable when blogging. I want to be real, and share my heart.

This is a hard one.

So here it goes...

When I was in Bolivia, I fell in love with a baby. His name is Nestor. He is a sweet baby boy. He has a hole in his heart. He lives at the Nutrition Center. He needs surgery to live.

His mom visits every day to feed her baby. She holds him and talks with him. She is exhausted, but the love for her baby is evident.

I met them both my fourth or fifth week in Cochabamba. I immediately fell in love. My heart broke when I realized how old he was, and how tiny he was. I heard his mother explain how expensive his surgery is, and how she didn't know how it was going to work out. They were instantly tattooed onto my heart.

The same week, I was really studying God's word, and discovering how we are commanded to love and care for the poor.

I was so convicted one day while praying outside, I went inside and grabbed money from my "fun budget" and came downstairs. I gave the money to my roommate Kathryn. She had been praying about how to provide for this baby at that same moment. We cried and talked as we realized this was just the beginning of an amazing story.

At any given time, we both could've logged onto our blogs and begged for the money needed for his surgery. But we never felt peace. I wanted to do this myself. But the Lord was telling me He had it under control.

So I waited.

What comes next is awful.

I received an email from my mom a few mornings later telling me in one short line that a baby in our family had gone to be with Jesus via sids.

I am thankful there was no one at the house when I read that email. I was devastated. My heart had been broken caring for the broken in Bolivia. And now God had taken away my cousin's baby???

I was furious. I layed on the floor of my living room and wept. I was mad. I wish in that moment I was with my family. I didn't understand. Maybe I misread those awful words. How could this happen? Where was my God? I am serving Him and his people, and He devastates my family back home? It wasn't fair. Not only was this beyond awful, I was in a totally different continent, left to figure and sort it out myself.

I was a mess.

I couldn't even begin to imagine how family was back home.

I pushed harder into loving people in Bolivia. But in my heart, I was angry. I was angry at God.

I remember in those darkest hours, I would say over and over, "Jesus, You have to be everything You said You are. If You're not, nothing makes sense."

Well, He is everything He claimed to be. He conquered sin, death, hell, the grave, and Satan himself.

He comforts in the darkest moments, and His love is deeper and wider than anyone could ever begin to imagine.

I had just been studying about anguish and how He can turn our weeping into dancing. It didn't mean much when I was reading it days before. But right then, I was daring God to do what He claimed He could.

The following morning, I sat down to check my email with my coffee in hand.

I had received an email from someone my family. The email explained a little bit more than the one liner the day before, and it shares something bigger. He had remembered a few blogs back when I had mentioned a baby needed surgery, but needed the money. He then shared about how God had put it on his heart to give the money. So out of obedience in a devastating time, the money was given in remembrance of the baby our family lost.

No longer was Nestor a baby I had held and loved.

He was our baby.

I visited him the day before I left Bolivia. I held him. I prayed over him. I sobbed reflecting on the loss my family was experiencing back home. I told him, "God has big plans for you. You are going to grow up. You are going to be strong. You are going to run. You are going to get married and have your own babies one day. I know God has big plans for you." I cuddled him close. I gave him kisses.

And then it was time to leave.

I hated it. I ran out of the building, and as soon as the warm air hit my face, I lost it. Bent over and weeping, my friends found me.

Nestor wasn't just some baby I loved. He was my baby.

So I came home. The whole trip holding him in my heart. Life went back to normal. I carried him in my mind. Wherever I went, whatever I did, baby Nestor was on my lips before my God.

I shared this story with a few close friends. I was excited to see what was next for him. I urged many people to be in prayer for him. He was on my heart.

I hated being in the United States, because I wanted to hold my baby.

A week or two after being home, I received an email from my dear friend and roommate, Kathryn.

She loves baby Nestor as I do. And she has been the most incredible contact person to help be my eyes, ears, and arms while I am here.

She had met with his mother, social worker, Nutrition Center administer, and doctors. She became very involved in their lives.

The email stated the dad (who works in the jungle because he doesn't like to be around Nestor so sick) was supposed to get a pay advance to pay for their part of the surgery costs. The dad had lost his job. The email continued with more back story of awfulness. Nestor's mom became an orphan at age 14. When she became pregnant with Nestor, everyone told her to just get an abortion. She cares for her cousin because there is abuse in that home. Story after story that would make your stomach churn.

One of the last things in the email was saying if his mom couldn't find a way to pay for the surgery, he would be taken away from his parents forever.

Kathryn heard the backstory. She heard the details. But more importantly, she heard a need for more than money, she heard a desperate need for Jesus to step in and be all He says He is. She later told me, this is so much more about just handing over money.

This is about being present, and being Jesus in their lives. A real tangible Jesus. Not a thing we say or do or a place we visit. We need to care about people fully, and without care to how it will make us look or if it will ask us to do more than we are comfortable with.

We are called to more.

So, we began praying for provision.

Once again I knew I could make a couple calls, or blog and the money would be there. I was in the wealthiest country with connections. I could make it happen. But again, that still voice told me to wait. So I did....

Kathryn then had a very scary week. She had emergency surgery to remove a mass on her ovary. (Same surgery my roommate had days before in Michigan) There was high suspicion it was cancerous. Her dad flew down to Bolivia to be with her. It was an awful few days of uncertainty. We are now praising God it was found benign!

I hadn't heard much from her since she has been healing.

But I did get a snippet of information. Nestor will be having surgery May 14th.

I don't know how or why or any details. That was all I received.

Please be praying for Nestor and his mom as they prepare for surgery.

Pray also for a full and quick recovery for Kathryn.

Please also be praying for my family as we still are struggling with our own tragedy.

I know my God is sovereign.

Thank you for listening to my heart. This has been the hardest blog to compose. But I hope your heart will be touched, and you will be encouraged that my God is in control.

I have more exciting things to share about me and what I'm doing next. But for now, that is all.

Love, M

God is glorified in my humanity.

When I can't. When there isn't a way visible. When it is impossible to me. When I don't even know my next step.

He is God. He is sovereign. He is capable. He in control. He knows my next step. He is provider. He is faithful. He is all knowing. He has a plan. He has this girl.

That is all.

Praying for peace, provision, clarity, and contentment in making decisions, taking steps, and living this life.

Love, M

Surprise Surgery and His Sovereignty

Monday night I came home to find my roommate on the couch watching tv. She told me she didn't feel great, and was skipping our late night roomie chat and tv show. She said something just felt off in her body. She went to bed early, and I spent time in my room reading before bed.

Tuesday morning I was up at 5, like normal. My normal routine was in motion, until I noticed the kitchen light was on. My roommate stumbled out of her room looking rough. She told me she hadn't really slept through the night, and wasn't feeling well. She assumed it was a kidney infection. I reminded her to go to the doctor and keep me posted. I then left the house by 5:50am.

Around 8:30am she called me and told me she was really sick to her stomach and in pain. I got off the phone and got online, looking for clinics that were cheap, since she doesn't have insurance.

We then texted back and forth all day. She kept me updated with snippets of phrases in the midst of pain.

I didn't realize how badly she felt until later.

She took an ambulance to the hospital and spent the day in the emergency room.

They had found a large mass on her ovary during an ultra sound. They scheduled surgery for that night.

Uncertainty.

She asked me to call her mom and explain what was going on.

Her family and friends all live on the other side of the state, a few hours away. She doesn't really know anyone here, except for me. I am her person.

I arrived at the hospital a bit after 7:30 pm, thinking I would not be able to see her before surgery.

I was able to see her in the pre-op area for a while. I prayed with her. Peace flooded over both of us.

He is sovereign. He is faithful. He is good regardless of the outcome. He is in control. He is not surprised by this. He is loving. He is healer. He is provider. He is peace.

I was able to meet the whole surgical team, and ask questions. That in itself was a blessing. I am not family, and yet they shared exactly what was going on.

She went back to the or, and I went to the waiting area. I updated my Facebook, and began praying.

If you know me well, you would testify to the fact that I am not always calm. I am often an emotional wreck.

Every day since being back from Bolivia I have cried and cried, longing to be there. I have cried, being overwhelmed at the grocery store, missing my babies, seeing a sweet commercial....I am a mess.

But.

God held me together. I was a pillar of strength. It was not my own. I was calm. I did not shed one tear. I did not throw up. I did not sit in a corner and grow grey hair. He held me together.

I trusted God. I was filled with Him. The prayers of my dear friends and family overwhelmed me as I remembered and reflected on who He is, and how He is always faithful.

My roommate's mom had driven a few hours and arrived at the hospital while she was still in surgery.
We got coffee and went back to waiting. I began to share bits of pieces of my story in Bolivia. I shared His faithfulness. I reminded us of who He is. We were filled with peace that is not from this world. We huddled together on a chair and praised our Jesus and begged for healing.

While we were praying, the doctors came out to talk with us. They took us to a back room, and closed the door. We then listened to the surgeon explain that the mass was a very large cyst. It had grown and filled very fast and the weight and position of it has twisted her right falopian tube, and cut off the blood supply to her right ovary. They had drained the cyst, and are fairly confident it was benign.

She was going to be okay. She was waking up in recovery. We would be able to see her soon.

The surgery may make it more difficult to get pregnant one day. But I am reminded of a God that opened the womb of a woman in her 90's, caused a barren woman to have a son, and a virgin to carry a baby.

Our God is greater, and He is able.

I helped her and her mom get settled into her hospital room and ready for bed.

She came home yesterday, and has been camped out on the couch watching movies. Please be praying for her as she continues to recover.

We know God is sovereign. We know He is aware of timing. We praise Him for that. If this would've happened 3 weeks prior, I would've still been in Bolivia. She would've had no one with her. If it would've happened three weeks later, she would've been in Puerto Rico doing missions work. We are so blessed I was here, and she was able to go to a wonderful hospital.

She is going to Puerto Rico for four months this summer to work at a camp for kids and to share Jesus.

I am asking you to pray for God to be two things to her. Provider and Healer.

She doesn't have insurance. She is done with her job since she is on bed rest and leaving in a week. She will soon have many medical bills stacking up. She rode an ambulance, spent the day in the er, had emergency surgery, and stayed the night in the the hospital. None of which will be cheap. We are praying for God to move mountains and provide for her medical expenses.

We are also praying for God to do big things in support for her mission trip. She is not fully funded, and is set to leave May 1st. I keep reminding her that He is faithful. He called her, so He will provide. It was a roller coaster raising funds for Bolivia. But the most incredible faith building thing I have ever done. I love watching Him unravel His plan little bit by little bit as we trust Him.

Please pray for healing. She is beginning to move off the couch and get up by herself. She has a follow up appointment early next week. The doctors have said she is cleared to go to Puerto Rico, as long as everything looks good. She is tired and in need of rest. Her body is sore from surgery and medicines. Please join me in prayer for rest, healing, and energy.

She has much to do in the next few days. I know God will show Himself to be faithful. He always does.

I know this was a long blog. But I just had to share. He is good when life feels so uncertain. He is sovereign in the confusion. He is peace. He is in control.

I look forward to sharing more as it all unfolds. I know she will have great stories. I can't wait to hear them.
Love you all. M.

The middle

We are in the middle of a story. It is so intricate, complicated, painful, and yet beautiful.

I am wondering how all the pieces will go together. I am excited to share when the dust settles. It will be a beautiful story, pointing to a Sovereign God.

Until then, please keep baby Nestor in your prayers. So many things to say, but for now, just pray.

Jesus knows.

Looking forward to the other side of this. Love, M

Jesus.

I just want to clarify something.

The reason I went to Bolivia to serve and love, and came back with fire in my heart to serve, love, and inform here isn't because....

- I'm a good person.
- I wanted an adventure.
- I want something to do because I'm single.
- I was bored.
- I like to travel.
- I wanted to make a difference.
- I love brown babies.

Some of those are partially true, but no.

It's ALL because of JESUS.

He is my best friend. The lover of my soul. The one who fights for me. My healer. My provider. My comfort. My peace. He conquered death. He defeated death. He triumphed over Satan. He lives. And He is coming back one day.

People have told me lately, "your faith is so real to you." Let me assure you, I'm nothing special. It is only Jesus in me. But, He is real. He can be that real to anyone. His love is overwhelming and all consuming. He desires to have an intimate friendship with us.

No words, religion, or person can change someone's life. It is only the power of Jesus Christ, and what He did for you years before. It stands the test of time. He is faithful.

In order to have real faith with Jesus, you have to realize and recognize a few things to be true.

- Sin is...doing something, anything wrong against God.

- You are a sinner. We all are.

Romans 3:10 As it is written: "There is no one righteous, not even one."

Romans 3:23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God

- Because of your sin, you will go to Hell.

Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

- Jesus was perfect, having no sin.

- He took our place, and gave His life for us.

Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this : While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

Ephesians 1:7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins.

Philippians 2:6-11 Who, being in the very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature if a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death- even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that us above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of God the Father.

- He didn't stay dead. He literally, seriously, and factually conquered death, hell, sin, the grave, and Satan, and rose again, and lives.

1 Corinthians 15:3b-4 that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures

-Your 'good works' will never be good enough.

Ephesians 2:8-9 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is a gift from God- not by works, so that no one can boast.

- Just call to Him. Tell Him you are sorry for what you have done. Invite Him into your life to be your Saviour. He will.

Acts 16:31a They replied, "Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved...

Romans 10:9,13 That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. for, "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."

- If you really believe with your heart, and confess with your mouth, then Jesus is your savior. Ask Him, He will change your life radically. He will be there in the darkest hour. He will give you strength when its impossible.

Romans 8:37b we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

- If you just read this and really did ask Jesus to be your Savior, I encourage you to tell someone. Email me (michelletobolivia@gmail.com) or tell someone who already knows Jesus. Get involved in a Bible study or a church. Read the Bible (start in john). It is how God talks to us. And pray. It's how we talk to God. It doesn't need to be graceful or eloquent. I talked to Him like I would my best friend. I tell Him I'm angry, I cry when I come before Him, I tell Him funny things that happened. He already knows, it just builds that friendship.

I know this was a different style blog. But it is Easter. I wanted to share. If I do everything good, serve the broken, and love the unlovable, but I do it in my name, it is a waste of time. Only one thing is important. The name of Jesus. There is power in His name. He can set captives free, change lives, give hope, restore, give purpose, give joy, grant peace, provide, and love deeper than before.

He is real. He is risen. Happy Easter.

Love, M

If you are curious or have any questions, email me. (michelletobolivia@gmail.com)