Steve.

For the first time in forever, there's a man in my life. 

And I don't even know what to do. 

How we met... 

So it was the week before Valentine's Day, and I was having an incredible week. I love Valentine's Day. I have had my best adventures mid February. Feb 14th is the day I moved out of my parents' house, and into my little condo in Auburn Hills. It's the day that I left home, by myself, and went to South America, to love the homeless and orphans in Bolivia. It's the week I helped launch and write for a women's website that shared grace. It's the day that I hosted Galentine's Day parties, luncheons for homeless women in Pontiac, and sent packages and letters to single friends to remind them that they were so loved. 

This year was no different, I was not feeling the "weight" of being single during Valentine's. I was having adventures. 

That week I was serving the homeless in the shelter, and on the streets. I was preaching the Gospel whenever I was given the chance. I was training to become a counselor at a crisis pregnancy center. I was able to deliver groceries to some homeless friends we were able to put in a motel for a week. I was planning girls days with my 86 year old neighbor. I was a buddy for a special needs prom at my new church. I had an interview for an article in a magazine to be a voice for injustice. It was an amazing week. There was no longing for a man. The only longing was for chocolate, since I was doing whole30, and wasn't having dairy or sugar. (Oh chocolate, how I miss you!!) 

But in the midst of all of that week, a picture was posted on social media. Just a picture of our Tuesday night team on the streets, loving the people of Pontiac. It was our first team picture ever. 

So...

Steve and I go to the same church, but different campuses. We have never met, but we have quite a few friends in common, including Cheryl and Lauren, so that night he saw it in his news feed, and instantly wanted to get to know the beautiful girl who was serving Jesus. So he friend requested me, we messaged, and I was like #nope #pumpthebrakes Bless his heart. But he was so direct, so over complimenting, and coming on so strong. 

I'm a fiercely independent woman, who cannot handle a man fawning over her. I have too much to do, I can't deal with that. 

He had asked me out, and I decided to say yes. He loved Jesus, believed family to be important, and didn't drink alcohol. Those are my 3 basic requirements. So I decided to give him a chance. (With MUCH encouragement from my friends!) 

I then spent the next few days dreading it. I hate dating. I haven't made it past a first date in 8 years. I'm soooo awkward. I say things and do things I shouldn't. 

(Remember that one date I told the guy about 100x that I was so glad he wasn't a murderer?! And then twirled in a park, slipped on the ice, and when we went to help me up, I accused him of wanting to murder me?! And then refused to let him hold my hand, and told him by making awkward voices, and saying "you ain't getting any tonight"?!?) 

NOT GOOD AT DATING. 

LIKE THE WORST EVER. 

Plus. I just have a crazy busy schedule, and didn't want to date. It felt like a chore to move things around to have a free night. 

Argh. 

But God bless my friends and their encouragement. They told me I had to give the poor guy a chance. 

The date....

I went. I met this man at Starbucks at 4pm on a Monday. I had decided to only give him like 30 minutes. Because if he was a creep, I didn't even want to waste my time. 

So he walked in, and tried to hug me, while I was sitting. It was #awkward, and I was so nervous. 

But he was cute. 

I got up, we ordered coffee, and he paid. We sat and chatted for a while, and immediately I knew I could be myself around him. Not a version of myself, or even myself but holding parts back, but the whole version of Michelle. 

The girl who has a passion burning in her soul for the Gospel. The girl who is a voice for injustice. The girl who spends her free time on the streets with the homeless. The girl who twirls and dances, even if there isn't music. The girl who says awkward things more than she says normal things. The girl who is creative, funny, strong, independent, a feminist, sarcastic, passionate, and sassy. She is the one who showed up. And I'm so glad. 

We sat for a while and chatted, and he asked me to go to dinner. Since I was no longer creeped out, and had heard his heart for Jesus and people, I agreed. He then told me he had looked up places around the area that I could eat for whole30. (BLESS HIS HEART!) So we went to Outback. (He paid!) 

He had admitted that he was so excited for our date that he hadn't eaten yet that day. So he ordered an appetizer of yummy fries. They came to the table, and he offered them to me. I politely said no, because they aren't whole30 compliant. (Fries, oils, cheese, sugary bacon...) so he called the waiter over for a box to take them home. He didn't eat any, even though he was starving, because he wanted to be respectful of me. (It was this exact moment that I decided I wanted to date the heck out of this man.) 

I had told him that I had yoga plans with my friend Tina at 745ish. I just planned an "out" in case he was a creep or it was a bad date. So at 715 when he suggested that we get ready to leave so I wouldn't be late for my friend, I realized that I wasn't ready to say goodbye yet. 

So I texted Tina that I kinda liked him, and she told me to keep hanging out, and we would go to yoga another night. 

So I suggested going to a movie. He was delighted. So as he picked out the movie, I went to the bathroom to text a couple of my friends that I was in fact, still alive, and having the best time ever. 

So we went to the movies. (He paid again...) We saw Zoolander 2. While walking in, I grabbed his elbow, and held on. We were almost inside, when I asked him to take a picture. It was just a perfect moment I wanted to remember. 

So we saw the movie. I held his hand, and let him put his arm around me. And then he walked me to my car. I asked him not to kiss me, and then immediately realized that sounded pretty forward of me to assume he was even thinking that. But I just want to save my kisses, and I didn't want to go there yet. He agreed. 

And then he looked at me, and told me, "Michelle, I see you as a daughter of the King, and that's how I'm going to treat you. Like a princess." 

SERIOUSLY?!?!? #swoonworthy

So then he kissed the top of my head, gave me a hug, and sent me on my way. 

So we've been talking, texting, and face timing. Second date is coming up. I'm pretty excited. 

I love that so many of our conversations are focused on Jesus, and honoring Him. There is no inappropriateness or creepiness. Just encouraging each other to run after Jesus, and love others well. I've NEVER had this before. 

We were talking the other night, and both texted at the same time. He sent a Bible verse, and I sent a picture of me with a mustache. Soooo that's a pretty accurate snapshot of us. 

Excited for more adventures with this dear man. He loves Jesus more than anything, and He told me that he wants to pursue my heart, and win it. #hearteyes 

Taking it slow, but excited to see what God might have in store for us, as we run after Jesus together. 

This is the craziest thing of my entire life. 

What in the world. 

-M 

Whole30: Week Two Review

Week Two 

Day Eight:

 

brunch: 

•eggs

•mushrooms

•avocado mash 

•bacon 

•black coffee

snack: 

•apple pie lara bar 

•water 

dinner:

•carrots

•mashed potatoes

•sweet potato fries 

•burger with guacamole 

I felt good. No cravings. No headache. 

Day Nine: 

breakfast: 

•lemon lara bar 

•water 

lunch:

•chicken sausage 

•sweet potato fries

•green beans 

snack: 

•lara bar

•water

dinner:

•chipotle - extra lettuce, carnitas, pico, guacamole

Strangest dreams so far. I kidnapped a 3 legged baby pony, so I could take care of it, and love it. And then I was sitting at Starbucks, and sipping ALL.THE.SWEET.YUMMY.DRINKS. So that was my first big dream craving. Starbucks. I kinda miss it. 

Also. I was pretty upset, because I had done quite a bit of research so I could eat at panera in between my training at the pregnancy center and street ministry. I was going to order off the secret menu, the power steak lettuce wraps, without the pesto. I ordered, and they told me that had been discontinued. So I looked up ingredients on everything else. Really couldn't have anything else. The chicken has sugar in it, making it not compliant, and the eggs for the salad have a long list of additives. Not interested. So I got chipotle for dinner. I know I'm eating a pretty restrictive diet, so I can't eat much, but I'm not a fan of everything having junk in it. Argh. 

Day Ten: 

brunch: 

•3 eggs

•2 slices of bacon 

•red skinned potatoes, diced, boiled, fried 

•cantaloupe 

•iced black coffee 

snack: 

•water 

•applesauce 

•almonds

dinner:

•leftover chipotle 

•water 

Day Eleven:

breakfast:

•dried mangoes 

•lara bar

•water

lunch: 

•2 chicken sausage 

•carrots with cinnamon 

snack:

•applesauce 

•black coffee 

dinner:

•stir fry (cauliflower "rice", chicken, yellow bell pepper, mushrooms, onion, 3 eggs, cooked in coconut oil) 

I loved cooking my fried rice. I had been looking foward to it all week long. 

Day Twelve:

breakfast:

•water

•eggs

•cantaloupe 

lunch:

•left over califlower fried rice 

•water

snack:

•cantaloupe

dinner: 

(I was at a prom, and tried my very best to be compliant.) 

•water 

•gluten free chicken strips

•plain green beans 

I had a slight headache when eating dinner. I'm not sure what oils everything was cooked in, but I had no tummy problems, and the headache only lasted a few minutes. 

Day Thirteen:

breakfast: 

•apple 

•almond butter 

•coffee 

lunch: 

•salad without cheese or dressing 

dinner: 

•leftover cauliflower fried rice 

I dreamed ALL ABOUT chocolate, popcorn, and soda. I went to the movies with my family in a dream, and bought stock piles extra of junk food. It's so funny. My body is letting go of the need for it, but subconsciously, my mind is still wanting it. Haven't cheated, and don't intend to. Plus I feel guilty when I wake up. I don't want to start over for real. 

Day Fourteen: 

breakfast:

•egg

•la Croix 

lunch: 

Outback Steakhouse 

•8 oz outback special steak, cooked medium, with NO oils or butter 

•baked sweet potato, with NO oils or butter

•steamed broccoli, with NO oils or butter

•water 

dinner:

•leftover steak and sweet potato 

snack; 

•apple

•almond butter 

The only thing I wanted today was chocolate. Not sure if it's because it's valentines day, my hormones are demanding it, my body misses it, or I've been watching everyone else eat it... But I didn't have any. 

2 weeks down. Clothes are suddenly fitting so much better. I have a lot more energy. I wake up before my alarm, and feel refreshed. Y'all this is amazing. 

M 

Whole30 : Week One Review

So I started the Whole30 diet. I really just want to reset my body, and get myself in prime shape for training season. Plus, my sugar (mostly ice cream) addiction is beyond out of control, and must be tamed. I don't cook for myself much, because it's just me, and cereal or a drive through are just a lot less work. But I do love to cook, and I do want to be healthy. So here we go. 

Basic rules: 

•no sugar

•no dairy 

•no legumes

•no grains

•no alcohol 

for 30 days. There's more to it, including what oils foods can and can't be cooked in, but those are the basics. 

So here's what I ate for Week One. 

Day One: 

breakfast: 

•2 fried eggs (made with coconut oil) 

•handful of baby spinach leaves 

•3 strawberries 

•red skinned potato (diced, boiled, then cooked in skillet)

•2 pieces of bacon 

•black coffee 

•water 

lunch:

•chicken breast (plain)

•4 strawberries 

•small honey crisp apple

•almond butter 

•water

dinner: 

•burger 

•one avocado smashed with handful of chopped yellow onion mixed in 

•handful of mushrooms, grilled on George Foreman

•kiwi sandia La Croix 

snack: 

•2 dried figs with slice of bacon 

•unsweetened applesauce with cinnamon 

I feel like that was easy, so yummy, and now I can conquer the world. 

Day Two: 

breakfast: 

•2 eggs, fried in coconut oil 

•red skinned potato (diced, boiled, then cooked in skillet)

•1/2 avocado mashed 

•water 

snack:

•black coffee 

lunch: 

•carrots with cinnamon 

•chicken breast (plain) 

•green beans 

•red skinned potato 

•lime La Croix 

snack: 

•apples and almond butter 

dinner:

•burger 

•green beans

•half of an avocado, mashed 

•grilled mushrooms 

•water 

I had a bit of a headache, and was sooo tired. But loved everything I ate. I also brushed my teeth before leaving at 6:30 at night to prevent any late night snacking. 

Day Three: 

breakfast: 

•2 eggs 

•spinach 

•red skinned potatoes 

•water 

lunch: 

•chicken 

•carrots raw 

•apples and almond butter 

•strawberries 

•la Croix 

snack: 

•banana 

•water

•black coffee

dinner:

•salad (baby spinach, chopped onions, mushrooms, olive oil, balsamic vinegar) 

•1 piece of bacon, 1 red skinned potato, 3 whole carrots, chicken breast (all prepped earlier this week) thrown into cast iron skillet and all cooked and mixed together. 

•water 

I had a wretched headache most of the day. And I was the most tired I've been in years. Like so tired I'm in bed before 8:30, without Netflix or reading. Detoxing from sugar, carbs, and junk is not for the faint of heart. I need to sleep for the next 5 weeks. 

Day Four: 

breakfast: 

•3 eggs, fried

•green beans 

lunch: 

•whole avocado 

•burger 

•green beans 

•salad (spinach, mushrooms, onion, olive oil, balsamic vinegar) 

•iced black coffee

dinner: 

•burger 

•mushrooms

•red skinned potatoes, cooked with onions 

•salad (spinach, onion, olive oil, balsamic vinegar) 

•La Croix 

snack:

•unsweetened applesauce 

•sliced almonds

•water 

Today was probably the worst I've felt so far. I was so surprised. Headache was mostly gone, but today my stomach just felt icky. Nothing was really wrong, but i just felt "ugh", and wanted to lay on the floor. I wanted to cuss the guy out (which I have NEVER done, ever) who messed up my coffee order 3x. I completely get that whole "kill all the things" I've heard about from other whole30ers. No carbs and no sugar sure can make a girl cranky. I wasn't as tired. So I'm thankful for that, but reallllly looking forward to the days where I feel like I can take on the world, and my body loves me again. 

 

Day Five: 

breakfast: 

•2 eggs, fried in coconut oil 

•guacamole on top 

•water

lunch:

•apple slices with almond butter 

•3 eggs with guacamole 

•3 strawberries 

•water 

dinner: 

•chicken

•yellow cherry tomatoes

•sliced portabella mushrooms

•mashed red skinned potatoes 

•water

I was highly emotional this day. No headache, but severe road rage, a lot of anger, and not a lot of patience. 

Day Six: 

breakfast: slept in and skipped 

lunch: first dining out experience on whole30. I went to chipotle and had a salad, with double lettuce, carnitas, pico, and double guacamole. Water to drink. 

dinner: 

•chicken 

•sweet potato fries (made 'em myself!) 

•cantaloupe 

•guacamole (not sure why I put this on my plate)

•little tomatoes 

•water 

Finally feeling energized!! I can even say no to cravings! I picked up Gregg's breadsticks, and drove with them on my front seat for 30 min, without a temptation to nibble. 

Day Seven: 

breakfast:

•chicken 

•banana 

•water

snack:

•lara bar 

•dried mango

lunch:

•chicken sausage 

•green beans 

•cantaloupe 

•water

dinner:

•chicken

•portabella mushrooms

•sweet potato fries 

•water 

Today for certain I feel like a rock star! One week down, and I feel like I'm certainly more energetic than earlier this week, and I'm a heck of a lot kinder. I no longer crave ice cream every moment of every day. I did accidentally have a speck of gluten today. We had communion at church, and I took a small cracker, without much thought. I could feel in my stomach that it wasn't pleased almost immediately. I've also really begun to enjoy the tastes and flavors of real food. 

Week One is in the books.

And I did it. Now 23 more days to go! 

M

Feelings

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. 

I'm so tired. My body has been a jerk to me all week. I have a cold. I feel exhausted after 13 scheduled babysitting jobs. I feel so lonely after being so busy, and not really talking with friends all week. I feel like I'm stuck. Honestly, I feel like God isn't going to show up, and I'll be here forever. I feel like the calling on my life maybe isn't everything I thought it was. I feel scared that I've had such big faith for so long, that I've actually tuned into a stupid fool. I feel like a failure when I compare myself to friends and family. I feel like the things I believed God told me were maybe all in my own head. I feel doubtful that these dreams, experiences, passions, and giftings will ever come together for something. 

I feel a lot right now. 

I am so beyond thankful that feelings don't really matter. And I'm so grateful to friends who have reminded me of that this week. 

I am begging God to move on something particular. So I asselmbed a prayer team to help carry me as I seek God's face. I wanted people to be accountable with, and that would pray consistently. 

A dozen girls in a handful of states later, I had my squad. They have been incredible at helping me fight this week. 

My girl, S, has called me almost every night to pray with me over the phone, before bed. I'm not talking about that "whatever is your will" prayer, I'm talking about the "my faith is so small, but I believe you said I can still move mountains, so I'm praying boldly and with gusto" kinda prayers. I am so thankful for her believing with me. 

My friend C has called and texted every day to check in. She has listened to me cry that I can't do this anymore, and how I feel so stuck. She has offered wise, biblical advice every time. So thankful for her wisdom. 

My friend J is a powerhouse. She listens with the best of 'em. She takes my call no matter the time, and has gotten quite excellent at figuring out what I'm saying through the tears and sobs. She's amazing. 

My out of state girl C has been such a blessing. She has been there to help me wisely sort through my pro/con lists, give godly advice, and she sends the BEST mail. Her doodles have been perfectly on time this week, and I'm so thankful for he truth she speaks so freely. 

My girl T has been helpful with pointing me back to scriptures, and reminding me of where I've come from. He's been so faithful. He's been so good. He's not going to stop now. This morning she sent me the link to a blog I wrote 4 years ago, as I was getting ready for Bolivia. It's so applicable today. I'm so thankful for this reminder. 

Here's part of it: 

Good thing my feelings don't matter. God is constant, even when I'm not. Even when I don't feel Him, He is there, working things out. When I don't feel like He is faithful, He still is, regardless of what my head says.

Following my feelings is a troublesome path. I know this. Getting in His word, being in active prayer, and getting enough sleep will help fight this doubt and mediocrity.

I know He is faithful. I know if He called me, He will make a way. I know He restores a weary soul. I know He is preparing me. I know He is with me, and in Him all things are possible. I know that I am His. I know His ways are perfect. 

A sweet friend suggested I read Hebrews 11 tonight. I did, and I was encouraged.

vs 1 - Now faith is being sure if what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

vs 6 - And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

vs 25- He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the pleasures if sin for a short time.

vs 40- His had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.

Feelings vs. Faith. 
Feelings say whatever you feel is true and right in that moment. Faith says the constants are still and always true, even without feeling it.

I am glad I have a God I don't need to feel for Him to be working, or be close. He is faithful, even when I'm not.

Life is uncertain, but my God is not.

I just remember so clearly how He made a way for me to go to Bolivia, by myself, for a few months. I also remember everything that happened there. That's where I first developed a heart and a passion for the homeless, and the woman that was broken. 

I can't wait to see what He's going to do next. 

Love, M

I was recently asked what I want to do with my life. 

I was surprised how quickly the answer came to me. 

I want to •love people •share Jesus •do good. 

I recently read a meme that said, "If it ain't making me money, making me better, or making me happy, I ain't making time for it." 

Those are all good things, but this leaves no room to love people in their brokenness, no time to share Jesus, and no reason to do any good. 

Let's choose our how we live our lives wisely. 

I don't have it all figured out, but I do think living a life only for our own pleasure is a selfish and lonely way to live. 

It's a beautiful life, how can you share it? 

M. 

Holding Space.

If we're honest with ourselves, we struggle in the uncomfortable moments. We shy away from the awkward. We don't know what to say in the midst of brokenness. 

We want people to know that we love them, we hate whatever is going on, and we hurt with them. But so often, our words fall short. 

We don't know what to say. 

We act like there might be a magical string of words, that if said correctly, will fix the brokenness. 

But that's not the way it works. 

I've learned a lot in the past year. One of the more valuable things I practice as often as I can. 

It's not anything extravagant or difficult, and I'm not an expert, but I think it's better than any awkward fumbling string of words. 

When I get the call, read the text, or hear the words of brokeness, I want you to know: 

"I'm holding space for you."

I'm not making this about me. Im not believing that I need to say a perfect comment to fix things. I'm not forcing the issue. I'm just letting you know there is space for you. There is safety and love here. We can talk or not talk. We can sit. We can drive around. I can listen. I can distract. You can change your mind with what you need. 

But I'm holding space for you, and for whatever you need, whenever you're ready. 

You may not know what you need, or when you'll need it. But there is space for you when it's time. 

I will love you consistently, without opinions. I will love you, even if I don't agree. I will love you even though I am scared and confused, as well. I will love you, even if it's unconventional, inconvenient, or uncomfortable. I will love you without trying to solve anything. 

There is love, there is safety, and there is space for you. 

The world is ugly. 

People are dealing with divorce, cancer, miscarriage, death, chronic illness, bankruptcy, loss of job, homelessness, crisis pregnancies, abuse, depression, singleness, infertility, waiting, and so much more. 

The weight is heavy. 

Just know, I'm standing in your corner. I'll carry you. 

There is space for you here. There is safety for you here. There is love for you here. 

M. 

2015

2015 was a full year. 

•I had the privilege to serve and teach at my favorite place, the Hope Warming Center, on numerous Tuesday mornings. 

•I trusted Jesus in the unknown of leaving my church, losing my job, job hunting, still bring single, starting to write my book, and my car dying. 

•I wore the largest flower crowns my little head could hold, and loved every moment. 

•We celebrated my baby sister graduating from high school. 

•I met Miss Phyllis, and she changed my world. 

•I spent a week with my grandparents in Phoenix, and shared my heart over late night chats. 

• I went on a family weekend getaway, and enjoyed a lot of sister time. 

•I met one of my very best friends on the internet, and was able to have some adventures together in Texas. 

•Four of us saw a need, and felt a call, so we started hitting the streets of Pontiac to show the love of Jesus to prostitutes and the the homeless. 

•I help launch Jen Hatmaker's latest book, For The Love, and then went to her house to celebrate. 

•My best friend came home twice this year! 

•I became an abolitionist, and made a stand against human trafficking. 

•My baby girl moved to Wyoming, and I cried for about six months. 

•I raised over $1000 for victims of human trafficking, by wearing a dress every day in December, so I jumped in a lake on Christmas morning. 

•I helped deliver a baby of one of my homeless girls. Best night of my life. 

•I completed a half marathon, and these feet took me to two countries.