Twenty-Six

Twenty-five was a rough year for me. Many people told me turning 25 was harder than turning 30. I'm not sure if that will be the case for me, but I do agree, 25 was not my favorite. I cried at my birthday dinner because I didn't want to have a birthday. I cried for months because life wasn't the way I thought it would be. If there is such a thing as a quarter life crisis, I was having one. 

As I pondered tonight why I struggled with turning 25 last year, I realized it had to do with expectations. 

In my mind, 25 was the age when everything was supposed to be story book perfect. It was all supposed to come together. I should have a husband, a house, a baby, with day dreams of another on the way. I should have a college degree, a great job, if I want to work, and be in love with every area of life, because it would all be so perfect. I would wear heels and pearls, and have a lovely dinner on the table when my handsome husband walked in the door after work. I would have life figured out. It would all be a dream come true. We would live happily ever after. 

As I reread that paragraph, I laughed out loud. Did I think at 25 I would turn into a Disney character and never deal with real life? I don't know. But it was not my reality. 

Because of my misguided expectations, I was often disappointed. It was also easy to accept other's expectations of me. I should be married with kids. Well, if not married, I should be dating seriously. And if not that, I just need to be putting myself out there more, in all attempts to find a man. I need to go back to school to obtain a degree, that I don't want in the slightest, to do something completely different, than God has called me to do. I need to run more. I need to serve more. I need to be more. 

In the end, I often felt like I wasn't enough. Because that's what everyone essentially was saying. You need more. You need to be more. That's what we expect. 

Over the last few months I have been learning a lot. I have been learning about my identity in Christ, His love for me, and how He alone has a perfect plan for my life, better than I could ever attempt to create on my own. 

So, I turned 26 this weekend. There were no tears. There was much laughter and love. There was a fantastic dress, lipstick, pearls, and 5" heels. I was surrounded by friends and family. I ate well. I was given the most thoughtful gifts. I FaceTimed with my best friend in Tokyo. I received text messages, voice mails, birthday cards, and Facebook posts. I know with everything in me that I am a very loved, and a very blessed girl. 

I recently read that most people at age 26 realize they are mortal, and struggle with the idea of death, and the fact that they are going to die one day. (I guess it's the realization that they are closer to 30 than 20.) 

Last night I plopped down in my backyard, on the cold grass, and marveled at the stars. I am convinced I saw stars I had never seen before. It was so clear and crisp. The temperature was 16 degrees, and with the windchill, it felt like 2. 

I realized this year, I don't want to be sensible. I was to be reckless. 

I want to lay out under the stars and be amazed at our Creator. I want to do what I love. I want to sew, and paint, and bake for no reason other than I love it. I want to read books for fun, without deadlines. I want to love people dearly and deeply, even when it is hard. I want to know Jesus in a way I have only read about. I want to have adventures. I want to pray and watch God answer prayers. I want to share the real love of Christ to a broken world in real, and practical ways. I want to be thankful of big things, and little ones too. I want to go where and when He calls. I want to dream so big that when I tell people, they just laugh. I want to have big faith. I want my life to be so full of love and joy that it just points back to Jesus. 

And yes, I will continue to wait on The Lord for a man. I'm praying he brings him to my front door. But if He does not, I will continue to trust that He is more than able to show Himself faithful in that area. My God is the one who created light by the words of His mouth, He split the Red Sea, He changed water into wine. He is more than capable. He has been faithful every day, why would He stop now? So I will continue to wait on The Lord. I will not obsess about it. I will live and enjoy my single years to the fullest. And I will continue to pray for my future husband. He's got this. There is nothing I could do that would be better than what He has for me. So, I will wait. 

I don't want to waste my life on vain and empty expectations. I know my own mortality, and it excites me. What a beautiful chance I have to fall in love with life, because I realize how precious every moment is. What an incredible gift. 

I am excited to think about what this year will bring. I am praying for adventures. 

Thanks for reading my rambles. 

Hello 26! You are looking pretty wonderful. 

Love, M