My Date, His Plan.

As a little girl, I often would daydream about my wedding.

I wanted to wear a yellow wedding dress, carry yellow flowers, and have my bridesmaids all wearing yellow. I was obsessed.

I wanted every girl in the bridal party to wear a different shade of yellow. Goldenrod, saffron, ochre, sunflower, sunburst, buttercream, lemon, straw, daffodil, etc. If  you were to name it, I am sure I loved it. Looking back now, I'm sure my sisters and close friends are glad I have changed my mind on that. I can just imagine their eye rolls on the idea of looking like paint sample swatches in front of a church.

I really try hard not to mentally plan my own wedding. But some times, it can be difficult not to. I have been a bridesmaid in ten weddings, helped plan a dozen more, and attended countless others. It has become second nature to form opinions on  ideas I like or dislike at weddings.

I want it to all be new and exciting when I plan it. I am waiting for a man, so I should probably wait on planning our wedding.

The one thing I have mentally thought out and planned was the date.

I know. This makes me sound like a crazy, deranged woman. I am well aware. Maybe I have lost my mind.

When I was a young, teenage girl, I fell in love with a day. It was the most perfect fall afternoon. The air was crisp, the sun was warm, the trees were bright and beautiful, showing off their colors. It felt like anything was possible. The day was full of possibility. I was convinced it was magical.

So I looked at a calendar years in advance and saw that it landed on a Saturday, the autumn I would be 25, weeks before my 26th birthday.

October 12, 2013.

I figured it had to be my wedding day. It was meant to be.

There was plenty of time to go to college, graduate, meet a man, date for a while, be engaged for a bit, plan our wedding and lives together, all before that magical date.

So for years, I would eat a cupcake on that day and think of how one day, I would be eating wedding cake with my husband.

Just to be clear, I never booked a church, bought a dress, or did anything to actually plan a wedding. This was all just plans I had made up, and kept floating around in my head. Only a very small handful of people knew how much I loved that day.

I just reminded God every year what was going to happen that day.

Last year on that date, a terrible tragedy occurred. Suddenly that date and all its specialness became an awful reminder of pain. I was furious at God for allowing a beautiful life to be taken from us so unexpectedly.  And then I became bitter that He had allowed it to happen on my day.

Between time, God's faithfulness, and constant pursuit, my heart is beginning to heal.

But that date is quickly approaching. I never finished college. I still haven't found a man. And in all honesty, it would be a miracle from heaven if a man asked me out for coffee. I am certainly not getting married in less than two months. I am as single as one could be. This isn't what I had planned at all.

And I think for the first time in forever, I am okay with that.

For years, I planned my life down to the last detail. I said I trusted God and His timing, but the closer the fall of 2013 came, the less there was any proof of that. I wanted to be in control. Honestly, I thought I was.

I became angry and bitter at God when things didn't progress the way I thought they should  for my idea of a perfect life.

But in all of my frustration and brokenness, He was teaching me.

One of my favorite verses has become "A man’s heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9

He has been teaching me so much about how He is in control, not me.

One of my favorite things my dad has said recently was, "Michelle, God has a plan, and you're in it. So stop worrying."

He has not forgotten about me. He isn't unaware of my desire to be somebody's Mrs. He knows my desire to be a mommy. He knows more than anyone how badly I want to be in South America, serving. He knows what is best for me, better than I could ever know myself.

The last few years have been amazing. I would not trade them for anything. They have been hard, but God has proved Himself faithful time after time. I have had adventures I never could have imagined or dreamed about. I have grown and been stretched in ways I would have avoided, if I knew what was in store. But I am so thankful for not always getting my way. His way is better. It is best.

I know life is full of disappointments, frustrations, and hurt. We make plans, dream dreams, and have high expectations. It is easy when things don't work out the way we planned, to think that He forgot us, He wasn't aware, or just didn't care. But that is not our God.

So remember, He is working it out for me, and for you. He is faithful, and He is good. He has not forgotten about us. His plans for us are better than even my crazy brain could conjure up. He has this. He knows our dreams and deepest desires. There is no reason to fret and fear. He has this all under control.

Have a wonderful weekend resting in that!

Love, M

Have you ever planned on something happening, and then it didn't? What did you do? Do you wish you would've done things differently? What verses do you rely on to remind you that He is in control?

Trades.

I can't have it all. I can't do it all. There just isn't enough time in a week. There just isn't enough energy in my body. I have limits. I am human.

But as I sit here, in the park, the night is quickly approaching, and so I just let my mind wander.

I think of how hard it is to let go sometimes. And how terrifying it is to grab on to something new.

Summer is coming to a close. Autumn is knocking at the door, trying to be patient, but quietly preparing to rush in.

I am thrilled to be doing women's ministry this fall. I have been studying the book I will be teaching, and have been growing more excited every time I open the study and the Word. My heart leaps inside of me as I think of the lives that God will entrust to us to love and care for. My eyes well up with tears, as I think about how the Word renews, restores, and refreshes, and how there are women that will need that.

But.

My heart is sad thinking of what I am giving up. I love my youth group girls. But in this season, I must be obedient, and let go.

I have been honored to serve at a little church plant as their children's director for the last year. I love their excitement as they shout my name, recite all of their memory verses, and laugh with me as they tell stories. I will miss teaching them. I have one more Sunday morning left in Auburn Hills.

But.

I think there is something new for me. Something very different. Something so huge, that it is something only God Himself could orchestrate it. If I tried, my head would blow up. So I will trust in His timing. I beg for His peace, clarity, and that He directs my steps. And I am excited. There are still things to be made official, before any real celebrating and freaking out can occur. :-) But I really believe He knows my heart, He has heard my tears, and He is preparing an adventure just for me.

So, pray I can find my passport. :-)

Love, M

You are chosen

I often think, and over think, about if God has called me to do something, what it could be, and how under qualified I am to do whatever it is.

I don't think I am alone.

We often feel like we aren't qualified for life. We believe we're not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, rich enough, or just enough. We let people's opinions resonate in our heads of how we could never do anything amazing. We allow excuses, self doubt, and past failures to keep us shriveled up, and ineffective. So we just live our lives, as though we are not incredible people, with a special, individual plan for each of us, created by the Creator Himself.

I wandered across one of my favorite books (Undaunted by Christine Caine) recently, and I just wanted to share a excerpt on being chosen. (I highly recommend this book! It is so good!)

"The amazing thing is that throughout Scripture and history, it seems that God has chosen the most unlikely and unqualified people to fulfill his plan and purpose on the earth. ... If we allow other people to tell us what we are and are not qualified to do, we will limit what God wants to do with us. We may never get to those who need our help. ... that's how God works. He chooses each of us to do something for him despite our past failures, limitations, and inadequacies."

He doesn't care if you are not qualified, He already is. He cares if you are willing.

She then gives an incredible list of people from the Bible that were not perfect (none of us are!) and still, God used them!

"-Abraham was old (Genesis 17:1, 24:1)

-Sarah was impatient (Genesis 16)

-Noah got drunk (Genesis 9:20-27)

-Miriam was a gossiper (Numbers 12:1-2)

-Jacob was a cheater (Genesis 25-27)

-Jonah ran away (Jonah 1:3)

-David had an affair (2 Samuel 11-12)

-Elijiah was moody (1 Kings 18-19)

-Peter had a temper (John 18:10)

-Paul was a persecutor (Acts 8:3, 9:1-2)

-Martha was a worrier (Luke 10:40-41)

-Thomas doubted (John 11:14-44)"

"...God had a purpose for each of these people. He chose them. He qualified them. He called them, just as he is calling you and me - to go and do in his name. ... Moses and Gideon and Jeremiah would have missed out on their moments in history if they'd been allowed to get by with those excuses. We wouldn't even know their names today. We know who they were because God refused to accept their excuses and insisted they accept his assignment - and then provided them with everything they needed to succeed in it."

A couple weeks ago, I did a video blog that fits in with today's. Check it out here!

So what is God calling you to do, and how can you make a step today towards accomplishing it?

Have a great week!

love, m